


All the wasted words

by justhockey



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Falling In Love, Feelings Realization, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Jealous Evan "Buck" Buckley, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Oblivious Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-14 10:46:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29666088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justhockey/pseuds/justhockey
Summary: He shakes his head at Buck, and then turns and walks away. And it feels like Buck is losing more than just a part of himself, it feels like he’s losing his whole heart.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 80
Kudos: 1025





	All the wasted words

**Author's Note:**

> Title from _What If I Never Get Over You_ by Lady A.

Ana is beautiful. She’s smart, and kind, and so much more than Buck could ever hope to be. He hates her. 

Or - he _doesn’t_ hate her, actually. And that kind of makes it all worse. Because she’s intelligent, and funny, and great with Chris, and she makes Eddie smile. So it’s absolutely impossible to hate her - believe him, he’s tried. A lot. 

It was easier, back when Buck only had to hear about Ana. When he and Eddie would have a beer and Eddie would tell him about her, about their latest date, about the really funny thing that she said, that Buck had to force himself to laugh at. It sucked, but he could handle it back then. He could. 

But it’s different now, because he doesn’t just have to hear about her from Eddie - he hears about her from Chris too, about what they did together at the weekend, and how much fun they had. And it’s stupid, but Buck feels so, painfully jealous. Because he used to be with the one going to the zoo or the beach with the Diaz boys, and now it’s Ana instead. And it’s not like Buck is completely shoved out, they still have their weekly movie nights and hang out sometimes at the weekend, but it’s rarer now. 

And then suddenly she’s showing up at the firehouse on their evening or weekend shifts. She brings coffee and home cooked snacks for everyone, and she’s sickeningly sweet - like a breath of perfumed air. And fuck, she’s so fucking perfect it kind of makes Buck want to cry. 

She leans in to kiss Eddie on the cheek, and Hen and Chim coo, but Buck has to turn away. He fumbles for something, _anything_ he can do that involves, just - not being here, not seeing them. 

So he finds himself sorting through their tool bag on the truck, just because it’s something to do with his hands where Eddie isn’t in his line of sight. He did it after their last call, so it definitely doesn’t need doing again, but Buck reorganises it anyway. He wishes he could reorganise his feelings in the same way. 

“You good, Buck?” Bobby asks from behind him. 

It startles Buck so much that he drops a wrench on the floor, and it clangs loud enough that Eddie and Ana instantly look over. Buck curses every god he knows as he bends down to pick it up. 

“Yeah, Cap, I’m good,” Buck insists. 

“Sure there isn’t something you want to talk about?”

Buck appreciates it, he really does. He’s never had this before - a father-like figure to offer advice and support, and whatever else Buck might need. And to have it from Bobby, someone he looks up to and respects so much, it means more than he could ever say. 

He just - he _can’t._ He can’t talk about it, can’t even touch all of these messy, painful feelings that are swirling around inside his head and in his chest. They weigh far too much for Buck to burden anyone else with. 

So he grins his signature Buckley smile, and says, “Nothing at all, Cap. Promise.”

And it’s not exactly a lie, because Buck _doesn’t_ want to talk about it. He wouldn’t even know how to, is the thing. Because he’s spent so long pushing these feelings down and trying to ignore them, that even if he tried to, he doesn’t think he could force his mouth to say the words. 

He leans back against the truck, closes his eyes and takes several long, deep breaths. He’s got another seven hours on this shift, and he needs his nerves to not be so frayed if he wants to make it through the day alive. 

“Hey,” Eddie says, and Buck startles for the second time today. 

He flinches and bangs the back of his head on the truck. He curses under his breath as he rubs his head. 

“Oh shit, you okay?” Eddie asks, reaching a hand out but then pulling it back just as quickly. 

Buck laughs. “Yeah I’m good, didn’t hear you coming.”

Eddie nods, then takes a spot next to Buck against the truck. His arm brushes against Buck’s, and Buck has to clench his jaw to stop himself from saying something he wouldn’t be able to take back. 

“Ana brought cupcakes today,” Eddie tells him. “They’re in the kitchen if you want.”

“Trying to watch my weight,” Buck lies, patting his perfectly toned stomach. 

Eddie raises a disbelieving brow, but laughs anyway, like it’s just another weird Buck thing that he’s entertaining. Buck will take that over questions he doesn’t know how to answer, any day. 

“Are you okay?” Eddie asks. 

Buck turns his head to look at him, and Eddie is watching with a concerned expression on his face. It hurts to look at for too long though, so he turns away as he nods. 

“Yeah, yeah I’m just tired,” Buck lies again, and he hates this - that the one person he never used to lie to, is now the one person he can’t be honest with. 

Half of him wants Eddie to just believe him, to say ‘okay’ and walk away like this conversation never happened - like Buck isn’t being weird, and distant, and not at all like himself. But there’s another, hidden part of himself that wants Eddie to see past it all, to realise that something is going on and push Buck to talk about it. 

“Okay, if you’re sure,” Eddie says. 

And it’s probably for the best, that Eddie pats Buck on the shoulder and then walks away. Because Buck doesn’t think he could bear to lose him, and if he said how he was really feeling, well. It’s not just Eddie he stands to lose, it’s Christopher too, and there’s nothing on earth that’s worth risking his relationship with that kid. 

So he sucks it the fuck up, because he’s an adult and he’s got a job to do, and because if he dwells on this then it might just kill him. 

And then the alarm rings out through the station, and Buck’s head is crystal clear again. This is familiar, this is something he can do.

**—————**

The thing is, none of this is really new. He’s had intense feelings about Eddie since literally the moment he laid eyes on him. It was jealousy and resentment, and, _okay,_ maybe lust too. But then it was admiration, affection, and finally, after so long trying to deny it, love. 

And god, does Buck love Eddie. He loves him with every breath he breathes and every move he makes. It courses through his veins and is carved into his very bones. It’s so big that it surrounds him entirely, swallows him whole until all he can feel, all he knows, is loving Eddie. 

It would be beautiful, perhaps, if it wasn’t so painful. Because his soul feels like it’s grieving every time he looks at Eddie, but can’t have him. And Buck can’t catch his breath every time he sees him with her, every time he has to hear about something they did together. 

And he hates so much that this is the person he’s becoming; he hates that he feels spiteful, and petty, and jealous. But there’s nothing he can do to change it, no matter how hard he tries to just _stop_ feeling this way. 

So he does what he’s always done; he hides it, pushes it down so it’s lodged in the back of his throat and he can’t speak a word of it. All he can do is smile, and nod, and laugh, and pretend like all of this isn’t tearing him apart. 

Which is exactly what he does when Eddie shows up at his apartment on Thursday evening. 

He’s just been on a date with Ana, so he’s wearing a dark green button down and his best jeans, and he looks so beautiful that Buck kind of wants to cry. He’s smiling too, in a way that Buck is becoming more and more familiar with, and he would probably hate that as well, except for how it’s impossible when he looks so good doing it. 

They’re sitting on the couch - Buck with a beer and Eddie with a bottle of water because he has to drive home - and Eddie just talks about their evening together. Buck thinks he’s doing a pretty good job of feigning interest, of pretending like he isn’t clenching his jaw harder with every word that Eddie says. 

But they know each other too well by now. They know what they order at that little sandwich shop near the station, and how they like their coffee, and which kind of calls bother them the most. Buck knows when Eddie is feeling run down, and Eddie can tell when Buck is feeling insecure, and it’s great. But it also means that Eddie can tell when Buck isn’t into something. 

“Okay, what gives?” Eddie asks, mid-sentence. 

Buck looks at him, unsure of why he stopped talking about the date. He raises an eyebrow, and doesn’t have to say a word for Eddie to know what he’s asking. 

“You’ve had that look on your face the whole time I’ve been here,” Eddie explains. 

Buck frowns. “What look?” 

He doesn’t have a _look._ He’s actually trying very hard to make _sure_ he doesn’t have any kind of look, but clearly he’s failing quite miserably. Which feels on par for the rest of his life currently, so he isn’t sure why he’s surprised. 

Eddie waves at his face like that’s an answer. 

“ _That_ look,” he says. “Like you’re constipated and trying not to hit something.”

That’s fairly specific, Buck thinks. He snorts out a laugh as a delay tactic, because he needs a second to get his shit together before he even thinks about answering. 

“Dude, what the hell are you talking about?” Buck asks him, still laughing like his heart isn’t hurting. 

Eddie sighs then, and he shifts on the couch so he’s turned to face Buck. And this feels like the start of a talk with a capital _T,_ and Buck just is not here for that right now. 

“You don’t like Ana.” It’s not even a question, it’s a statement - like Eddie has already decided on it. 

“That’s not true,” Buck immediately denies. 

“Really?” Eddie asks. “Because you never talk to her when she drops into work, and you get that look on your face whenever I so much as mention her. So it kinda seems true to me.” 

Eddie’s expression is open, like he genuinely wants to talk about this - like he isn’t even mad. And Buck doesn’t think he deserves that, because while he genuinely _does_ like Ana, he absolutely hates her with Eddie. And it’s not fair, that Buck is getting pissy over his best friend’s first chance at happiness since losing his wife. It’s actually really fucking awful, and just another reason that Buck can hardly stand to look in the mirror sometimes.

But Eddie is still watching him, not a hint of anger in his face. And Buck thinks that maybe - maybe he could be honest and not completely ruin what they have. But he can’t risk it. And he also can’t be that selfish, not when Eddie really does seem happy. Because his best friend deserves this, so Buck is gonna get a grip and grow the hell up. And lie through his fucking teeth. 

“It’s not that I don’t like her -“ Buck starts. 

“ - But?”

“I don’t know. I just - you mentioned her once, and then Chris got hurt on her watch, so you yelled at her. And that was it for months - and, I don’t know, one chance meeting and you’re dating?” Buck says, then pauses to take a breath. “It just seemed kind of sudden, when you started seeing her.”

It’s all true, it’s not like Buck is lying. It had seemed sudden at the beginning, but that was weeks ago now, so it’s hardly a valid reason anymore. He just doesn’t know what else he can say that is both believable, but won’t hurt anyone along the way. 

And it looks like Eddie is thinking about it properly, if the way his face is scrunching up is anything to go by. He takes a sip of water and then nods his head. 

“So, what, you think it’s too soon?”

And _fuck, shit, no,_ that isn’t what he was trying to say. Buck shakes his head so fast he’s surprised he doesn’t give himself whiplash, and he reaches a hand out to rest on Eddie’s forearm. 

“Absolutely not. You deserve to be happy, Eds,” Buck insists. Because it’s true, Eddie _does_ deserve to be happy, and it’s not fair for Buck to stand in the way of that. “I guess I just wasn’t expecting it. And, I kinda miss hanging out with Chris.”

He doesn’t say _and you,_ because that’s way too close to the truth. Not that he doesn’t miss hanging out with Chris, of course he does. But that’s just an easier truth to speak into existence, than the truth that’s tangled up in knots in Buck’s chest. 

Eddie’s face does something complicated then, and his expressions shift so quickly that Buck doesn’t have enough to time to figure out what any of them are. Then Eddie’s hand is covering the one that Buck put on his arm, and he’s looking right into Buck’s eyes. 

“Buck, come on, are you serious?” Eddie asks, and Buck is embarrassed when he nods. 

Because it is about Ana, of course it is. But he _does_ miss Chris, and Eddie, and he knows how needy it seems, but he feels like he’s being replaced. Which - he is, obviously, because that’s what happens. Eddie wasn’t going to stay single forever, someone for Buck to play happy families with. 

Buck can’t ever resent him that, would never want Eddie to be anything other than happy. It just - sucks, a little. 

“Buck,” Eddie sighs. “You’re Chris’ favourite person in the world, okay? You can see him whenever you want. I’m _so_ sorry you feel like you don’t get to see him as much now, I never wanted that to happen.”

And he’s sincere, and fucking _earnest,_ and it makes it all the worse. Eddie is the best person he knows, and Buck should be happy that he’s happy, and he hates that he’s not. Because while he would never resent Eddie for it, it doesn’t mean he has to like that it’s with her. 

But he _does_ have to try a hell of a lot harder at playing the role of supportive best friend. At least, until the day comes where Buck can finally move and actually _be_ a supportive best friend. You know - if that day ever arrives. 

“No, no don’t be stupid,” Buck says. “I know that, okay? But you know me, always worried about being left behind.”

He laughs because it’s supposed to be a joke, but then Eddie’s eyes get all wide and sad, and he’s squeezing Buck’s hand. And Buck thinks he missed the mark by a long shot. 

“We’re never gonna leave you behind,” Eddie tells him. 

Buck chuckles and elbows him gently, eager to lighten the mood. “I know that.”

It’s a lie, because Buck knows he’s getting left behind. Hell, he _should_ be getting left behind - that’s just a part of life. So he’s gonna be happy for Eddie and Ana. _He is._ He’ll just have to fake it until he makes it.

**—————**

Turns out, faking it isn’t as easy as Buck wanted it to be. 

He’s trying, god he’s trying so hard it’s almost pathetic at this point, but that doesn’t stop it from hurting. He asks about Ana and he listens to Eddie talk about their dates, and his worries about if the relationship is going too fast, or if they’re not moving forward at all. He listens to Chris talk about the movie they went to see, and he even eats one of the banana muffins she brings to the station. 

But it’s not even a week after his and Eddie’s last conversation about them dating, that it comes up again, and this time Eddie is less patient about it. Which - Buck can’t blame him, but still. He hates when they fight, and he hates even more that she could ever be the reason for it. 

“You could have said hello,” Eddie says. 

He sounds frustrated, and when Buck looks up from his phone, the frown Eddie is wearing is pretty apparent. 

“What?” 

Eddie scoffs and shakes his head, and Buck knows instantly that he’s pissed. So do Hen and Chim, apparently, because they peek over the books they’re reading so they can listen in on their conversation. 

“Ana, you just completely ignored her,” Eddie says, gesturing towards the door Ana left out of no more than five minutes ago. 

And like, okay. He’s not _wrong,_ exactly. But Buck didn’t make it obvious or anything, he wasn’t rude to Ana - he just found a way to disappear the second she walked through the door. And he knows that doesn’t exactly fit into his faking it until he makes it, being happy for them plan, but he just couldn’t help it. 

She was beautiful, and when she stood next to Eddie they had just looked so good together - the only thing that was missing from the image was Chris, and then they would have been the picture perfect family. And it made something inside of Buck break loose, like he was losing a part of himself as he watched them. 

“I was getting something from my locker?” Buck says, even though he knows it’s a weak justification. 

“Right, and last time you had to call Maddie, and the time before that you just _had_ to sort through the tool bag?” Eddie asks. 

“Yes? What are you trying to say?”

He knows he has no right to get defensive, because everything Eddie is saying is true. It’s not like he can help it though, not when he feels like he’s being cracked open in front of everyone, and his feelings are just inches from the surface. 

“That you don’t like her, and I wish you’d just admit it!” Eddie yells. 

Buck isn’t used to hearing him shout, it’s a rare enough occasion as is - but Eddie hasn’t raised his voice at Buck like this, since that time in the grocery store during the lawsuit. It makes his heart beat faster, the anxiety of being back in this situation all over again. 

“I have nothing against Ana,” Buck replies, calm and honest to try and de-escalate the situation. 

“You’re lying,” Eddie pushes. 

Buck stands up then, so they’re face to face. Because Buck is many things, but he isn’t lying about this, and he doesn’t appreciate his best friend accusing him of it. Buck genuinely doesn’t have a single thing against Ana, and if the situation was different he’d probably love to be her friend. But he can’t tell Eddie that - can’t say _‘I don’t hate her, I hate that you like her’._

“No, Eddie, I’m not,” Buck says, sighing. “I don’t have a problem with her.”

Eddie laughs bitterly and shakes his head. “You clearly do,” Eddie insists. “And that makes it really hard for me to commit to anything with her.”

That kind of takes Buck back, a bit. Because, _what?_ How does Buck’s opinion of Ana influence Eddie’s relationship with her in the slightest? He really has been trying. He might not be able to sit around and watch them together, but he listens to Chris’ stories about her, and he lets Eddie talk about his worries, and he’s there for them in literally every other way. 

And Buck knows he has a habit of placing all the blame on himself - is always willing to accept that things are his fault if it means it will keep the peace. But he doesn’t think it’s fair for Eddie to put this on him, to act like it’s Buck’s fault that Eddie is feeling stuck within his relationship. 

“What the hell does that mean? How is any of that _my fault?_ ” Buck asks, incredulous that Eddie would even say something so inaccurate. 

“I think Cap needs us for something,” Hen says, quickly standing up. 

“Yeah, we should probably-“ Chim agrees, pointing literally anywhere else. 

They hurry off, avoiding eye contact with both Buck and Eddie, and Buck can’t help but feel guilty. It’s not fair for them to drag their shit to work, and it’s not fair to make their friends feel uncomfortable around them either. But Eddie doesn’t take his eyes off Buck, and everything just feels too intense and too much. 

“How am I supposed to feel secure in my relationship if my best friend hates her?” Eddie asks. 

And Buck almost laughs. He doesn’t, but he almost does, because it might be the most ridiculous thing he’s ever heard. 

“I don’t hate her,” Buck says for what feels like the millionth time. “But even if I _did,_ that shouldn’t have any effect on how _you_ feel about her.”

“Yeah?” Eddie says. Then, his voice quieter, “Well it does.”

He shakes his head at Buck, and then turns and walks away. And it feels like Buck is losing more than just a part of himself, it feels like he’s losing his whole heart. It hardly seems fair, that he’s spent weeks trying to hold his tongue so he doesn’t lose Eddie, but in the end that might be the very thing that pushes him away. 

If he’d known he was going to lose him anyway, then he would have just been honest. There have been so many times since they first met, so many precious, _dangerous_ moments where Buck could have just said something - could have swallowed his fear and told the truth. 

And there’s a part of him that really regrets not saying anything; a part of him that regrets all of those wasted words and moments. But if something as small as this can rock their friendship, then Buck is fairly certain his love for Eddie would ruin it completely. 

So Buck swallows all of his feelings back down, because this isn’t the place or the time. He goes to find Chim and Hen, and he ignores the cautious looks they keep giving him. He helps Bobby cook lunch and dodges any and all questions. 

And he ignores Eddie, too, because he doesn’t know what else he _can_ do.

**—————**

Unfortunately, ignoring Eddie only lasts until their next shift. Because then there is a five alarm fire at a clothing factory, and no one works as well together as Eddie and Buck do. 

“Are we good?” Buck asks as they’re gearing up to go inside. 

He doesn’t mean about their fight, not really, he just needs to know that they’re gonna be okay going into this together. But then Eddie looks up from where he’s checking his oxygen meter, and he gives Buck a guilty smile and a nod. 

“Yeah, yeah we’re good Buck. I’m sorry.” 

But then it feels like they’re definitely talking more about the fire, and it catches Buck by surprise. Because Eddie hasn’t been able to look at him once since their argument, and now he wants to make amends? It just feels weird. 

“I’m sorry, too,” Buck apologises anyway, because he is - he never wants to fight with Eddie. “I didn’t mean to make you feel-“

“-Don’t even worry about it,” Eddie interrupts. “I was having a bad day, none of that was on you.”

And that doesn’t feel like the truth. Because the words Eddie had said, the way he’d looked at Buck as he was walking away - it fell bigger than that. It felt like something shifted between them that could never be undone. 

So it could just be because they’re about to walk into a death trap together, or it could be because tomorrow is their weekly Buckley-Diaz movie night and he doesn’t want to disappoint Christopher. But either way, he seems genuine enough to Buck. And there’s probably more they should talk about, of course, but there really couldn’t be a worse time for that. 

So Buck just bumps his hand against the fist Eddie holds out to him, and then they head inside the building. They’ll have plenty time to sort their shit when they make it out. 

But a couple of hours later and their adrenaline is still pumping, because they almost _didn’t_ make it out. 

A part of the roof had collapsed on them, and Eddie’s arm got stuck just as the IC was ordering a complete evacuation. They staggered out of the building literally a fraction of a second before the whole place blew, and Buck’s hands are still shaking even now. 

Eddie had insisted on driving him home because Buck ran to work this morning, and it’s kind of just instinct when Eddie follows him inside. They haven’t said much since they made it out of the fire, but they’re such an integral part of each other’s routines that it just feels like second nature to go inside together at this point. 

It’s only when they’re face to face in Buck’s kitchen, that the reality of it all sets in. 

“What a day,” Buck says, trying to ease some of the awkward tension that’s settled over them. 

Eddie snorts. “Yeah, tell me about it.”

The silence feels oppressive, like there are so many things hanging between them that need to be said, but neither of them are willing to make the first move. So Buck fills a glass of water and drinks half of it down in one gulp, then he offers the other half to Eddie. 

He has to avert his eyes when Eddie takes it, because the way his throat moves as he swallows is making Buck feel a little lightheaded. 

“Thanks.”

“Of course,” Buck says. 

“And thanks, for, y’know. For getting me out of there,” Eddie mumbles, eyes cast down so he doesn’t have to look at Buck. 

It really had been a close call. Buck had to use a wooden beam to lift up the part of the ceiling that was trapping Eddie’s arm, and they’d barely escaped with their lives. But it’s not like Buck would have ever entertained leaving him behind, not even when Eddie told him to go. 

Buck shrugs his shoulders. “We’re a team, it’s what we do.”

He can’t read the look that crosses Eddie’s face - but something tells Buck that Eddie doesn’t quite know what he’s feeling, either. And Buck wants to just drop the whole thing, because they’re clearly both exhausted and probably not in the right emotional state to have this conversation, and yet - 

“About yesterday -“

“ - Don’t, Buck,” Eddie warns, holding a hand up to try and silence him. 

And Buck gets it, because he doesn’t want to do this either. But for a while there it really felt like Eddie was done with him, and a fist bump and almost dying together can’t just erase that. 

“Eddie, that wasn’t just a _bad day,_ ” Buck says, repeating his own words back to him. “I haven’t seen you that mad at me since-“

“ - I don’t want to talk about it, Buck,” Eddie insists. 

“Yeah, well me either, but we can’t just let it go because we both know what happens to us when we don’t talk to each other.”

Eddie puts the empty glass down on the kitchen counter and then finally looks up to meet Buck’s eyes. He looks exhausted - like, an exhaustion beyond just today’s shift, and Buck can tell that this is playing on his mind too, can see it written all over his face. 

It’s just - he doesn’t want this. He doesn’t want them to be arguing, and he doesn’t want them to be distant. But if Buck gives him anymore of the truth, then this fragile ground they’re standing on might crack beneath their feet, and he isn’t ashamed to admit that he’s scared of that; he’s scared of losing two of the most important people in his life if any of this goes wrong. 

“Please,” Buck says, his voice quiet so neither of them can hear the way it shakes. 

“Buck - I just-“

But Eddie doesn’t finish his sentence. Instead, he’s crossing the space between them in three quick strides, until he’s standing right in front of Buck. 

They’re so close they can feel each other’s breath, and what little space is left between them is crackling with static. Buck can’t think, can’t even breathe as Eddie comes impossibly closer. And then his arms are reaching up to grab Buck’s face and pull him in, and Buck _wants,_ he wants so bad he can feel it in his entire body - but then his brain comes back online. 

He grabs Eddie’s wrists before they can even touch him. “Ana,” Buck whispers. 

Because his whole body aches to be touched by Eddie, but this isn’t who he is. It isn’t who either of them are. And Buck isn’t about to become the kind of person who hurts others, not even if it means getting the one thing he’s always wanted. 

Eddie freezes. He lets out a frustrated sigh then, impossibly slowly, he tilts his head forward until it’s resting against Buck’s. And Buck’s heart is cracking in his chest, as he holds Eddie’s wrists and their foreheads touch, but he can’t let himself reach for more. 

“Fuck,” Eddie sighs. 

And yeah, _fuck_ just about sums it up. 

Buck knows what this is; he knows it’s a spur of the moment, impulsive kind of decision, and that Eddie is going to regret it so much in the morning. Because he cares about Ana - he’s not in love with her yet, maybe, but he could be one day, and Eddie would never want to throw that possibility away for a rushed mistake with Buck. 

So Buck refuses to let it happen. He won’t let Eddie unknowingly break his heart even further, and he won’t ruin Eddie’s shot at being happy again. Even if hurts - even it aches so badly that his bones feel like they’re bending beneath the weight of it.

“You should go,” Buck says. His voice feels like the loudest thing in the whole damn universe, and he can feel Eddie flinch at the sound of it. 

“Yeah,” Eddie agrees. “Yeah I should.”

But he isn’t making any moves to leave. He’s still leaning his forehead against Buck’s, still letting Buck hold his wrists just centimetres from his face as they breathe the same, hot air. And Eddie’s hands are clenched into fists, like he’s stopping himself from reaching out to touch Buck. 

It stings so bad it brings tears to Buck’s eyes, and he forces himself to close them so Eddie can’t see. Because being here, in this moment, _fuck._ It feels like Eddie wants him too, feels like maybe Buck could be something more than just an adrenaline-fuelled bad idea. 

But he isn’t, he never could be.

Eddie pulls back, and Buck lets him go because he has to - he has to do this if he wants to salvage whatever will remain of their friendship after this moment. 

“I’ll go,” he says, finally. 

“Okay,” Buck doesn’t argue. 

Then with one last, lingering look, Eddie walks out of the door. 

Buck feels the last of his resolve shatter on the floor. He doesn’t even cry, which is maybe the most surprising thing. It’s like he’s just gone completely numb - a defence mechanism so he doesn’t have to feel this unbearable heartache. 

He kind of feels like a zombie; a part of his brain is alive just enough to keep going through the motions, but he doesn’t feel a single thing. Buck doesn’t even remember climbing into bed, but he lets himself burrow under the covers anyway, like maybe all of this is some awful dream - like maybe he’ll wake up and things will be okay. 

But when he wakes up the next morning, nothing at all has changed. Except for now he can feel all the places where his heart has cracked, all the jagged edges that are too sharp for him to touch. 

The glass he and Eddie shared last night is on the kitchen counter, and Buck thinks about washing it but he just throws it in the trash instead. It’s dumb, because it’s not like Eddie is gone from his life now, or - he _hopes_ that he isn’t. It’s just that everything feels too raw right now, like all the most vulnerable parts of himself have been exposed and there’s no way to take any of it back. 

Buck sips on a mug of coffee because he doesn’t think he could stomach food right now, even though it’s probably been too many hours since he last ate. He’s just bringing the cup back up to his lips when there’s a knock at the door. 

He thinks it’s probably Maddie. If Chim has told her about the close call last night - which he absolutely has because he can’t keep his mouth shut - then Buck wouldn’t be surprised to find her on his doorstep at 10am on a Saturday morning. 

But then he pulls the door open and it’s Eddie who’s standing there, looking every bit as drained as Buck is feeling. He doesn’t even give Buck the opportunity to say anything, he just slides past him into the apartment, like he’s afraid that Buck will ask him to leave if he’s given half the chance. And like - Buck has already told him to leave once, so he doesn’t think he has the strength to ever do it again anyway. 

“Hi,” Eddie says, and he sounds breathless, like he’s taken the stairs instead of the elevator. 

“Hi,” Buck replies. “What are you doing here?”

“We need to talk.”

And - okay. Buck appreciates the sentiment, but he kind of wishes Eddie had felt this way last night so all of this could have already been dealt with. But no, instead he’d gone and made things a thousand times more awkward for them. And it’s Buckley-Diaz movie night tonight, which is gonna be fifty shades of _hell_ if they don’t get this figured out. 

“I mean, I tried to do that last night but-“

“ - I know, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have, well...You were right,” Eddie admits. 

They stand there in silence for a while, and eventually Buck finishes the last few mouthfuls of his coffee just for something to do. Because he feels so out of his depth in this situation, like he’s in uncharted waters without a compass to guide him. He has no idea what the right thing to say or do is, which makes it kind of difficult when he’s trying his hardest to not screw things up even further. 

“I just broke up with Ana,” Eddie informs him, and Buck almost chokes on his coffee. 

He thumps his fist against his chest as he coughs, and manages to splutter out, “You did _what?_ ”

Eddie at least has the decency to look a little sheepish, and really, so he should for springing that on Buck so suddenly. He’s scratching the back of his head like he does when he’s nervous, and his other hand is tapping against the counter. Buck kind of wants to reach out and hold it still, but like - no. That’s just. No. 

“I broke things off with her. This morning,” Eddie tells him. 

And Buck just - doesn’t know how he’s supposed to feel about this. Because Eddie has spent weeks getting to know her, and he almost blew their friendship up because he thought Buck didn’t like her. But now he just goes and breaks up with her, like she wasn’t even that important in the first place. 

It knocks Buck sideways, the rapid change in direction. He leans against the kitchen counters so he has something to keep him steady, and he forces himself to look Eddie in the eye. 

“Okay - why?” Buck asks.

It’s not like all the other times he’s asked about Ana, when he was trying his hardest to seem like he cared even though she was the last thing he wanted to hear about. Now Buck is suddenly extremely invested in hearing all about her, because two days ago his best friend was at his throat over her, and now she’s been kicked to the curb. 

“It was actually Hen, that made me see sense,” Eddie says. “After she heard our - uh - conversation, at work.”

Buck raises his eyebrows questioningly, but he doesn’t say anything. He just waits for Eddie to carry on speaking. 

“She called me after the shift had ended, and she made me look at a few things from a different angle.” Eddie pauses to clear his throat, as if he’s getting nervous. “She made me realise why I was so angry with you - why I was so insistent on you liking Ana.”

Buck nods his head. “I’m your best friend, it was important to you that I get along with your girlfriend.”

Eddie laughs a little then, but he shakes his head all the same, as if what Buck is saying is wrong. And he doesn’t know _how_ he’s wrong, because he’s just repeating basically the same thing that Eddie said to him. But he holds his hands out in a shrug, waiting for Eddie to elaborate. 

Eddie crosses his arms over his chest, and it’s like he’s trying to guard himself from what he’s about to say next. He’s chewing on his bottom lip, and he can’t quite make eye contact with Buck, and the air in the room suddenly feels too thin. 

“I was trying to make you such a big part of my relationship with her because - I don’t know, I guess part of me was hoping you would tell me to stop, that I shouldn’t be dating her,” Eddie says. 

And it feels heavy like a confession, but Buck still isn’t sure that he understands why. 

“What?” He asks Eddie, and he can’t seem to make himself say anything else. 

“I felt stuck with Ana, because she’s not the person I’m supposed to be with,” Eddie explains. “She’s smart, and wonderful, and gorgeous, but - it was never her that I wanted.”

Buck’s heart is racing and his palms are clammy. He opens his mouth but no words come out, like they’re stuck behind his teeth and are too shy to be spoken. Because this can’t be - _surely_ Eddie can’t be saying what it sounds like. 

But then he takes a deep breath, and his hands are shaking as he picks at the skin next to his thumbnail. And Buck doesn’t know what he’s about to say, but he knows it’s big, and he can hardly breathe with the anticipation of it - can hardly move from the fear. 

“I didn’t need your approval,” Eddie says. “I just needed - _you._ ”

It feels like the whole world stops spinning, for just a second. Like he and Eddie are the only people on the planet who matter in this moment, and everything else just fades into the background. 

Buck is half convinced he’s heard Eddie wrong, because there’s no way he could really be saying this - not to _Buck._ But Eddie’s eyes are wide and scared, and he’s watching Buck like he’s holding the key to his happiness, and Eddie is just waiting to see what he does with it. 

“What are you telling me?” Buck asks, because he needs to hear it again - he needs to be certain. 

“That it’s _you,_ Buck,” Eddie says, his voice like magic. 

And his hands are still trembling, but he starts walking towards Buck anyway. Just like last night, Eddie doesn’t stop until he’s standing right in front of him. And Buck can see the specks of gold and green in Eddie’s eyes, and he can see something else in them too - something that looks like hope. 

“It was always you,” Eddie whispers. “You were right in front of me the whole time, and I couldn’t see it because I was too afraid.”

“And now?” Buck asks, because he needs to know the answer before this goes any further. 

“And now I’m not afraid anymore.”

He kisses Eddie like he’s starving for it. Buck holds his face between his hands as if he’s afraid that Eddie is going to slip away at any moment, but he grips onto Buck’s hips and pulls him close - kisses and kisses and kisses him, until they’re both breathless and dizzy, and still wanting more. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry it took me so long,” Eddie breathes out against his lips. 

Buck just kisses him again, slow and tender and filled with all the things they’ve always been too afraid to say to each other. And when they finally separate, Eddie just buries his face in the space between Buck’s neck and shoulder. He rests his lips against the column of Buck’s throat and just breathes - like he’s taking in the moment, relishing in it. 

Buck tangles his hand in Eddie’s hair, lets his fingers scratch over his scalp until Eddie is pressing impossibly closer, winding his arms around Buck’s waist and pressing kisses onto his neck. 

“Love you,” Eddie murmurs, and Buck feels it more than he hears it. 

His lips graze over Eddie’s forehead in a kiss. “I love you too.”

Buck can’t _wait_ for Buckley-Diaz movie night.

**Author's Note:**

> listen i love buddie but i won’t stand for Ana hate because she’s smart and beautiful, and i don’t want her with Eddie but that doesn’t mean she isn’t amazing !!


End file.
